collecting light & wrangling fog

On Friday, the 31st of July 2009, I put my cat to sleep.

now you are made of light
(now you are made of light)

My cat’s name was Lint, but I almost always called her Linty. Well, I almost always called her so many things – an endless and endlessly changing selection of affectionate and kooky nicknames: Linty, Linticus, Linticus the Mighty, Lintl Loaf, Loaf, Lintolian, Linty Bean, Bean, Fuzzy Pants, Tiny Fuzzy Pants, Tiny Tuna Pants, Pants, Fuzzbutt, Fatty, The Mighty Stinkmaker, Green-eyed Ladyface Kitty, Mouse, Wondermouse, Bubbles, Minou, Meems, Bunny, and so many others I can’t think of. Fifteen years is a lot of years of nickname giving. A lot of names came and went.

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But her name really was Linty. Not like the little specks you lint-roll from your clothing (although she produced plenty of those too), but like the big poochy wads of soft deep grey lint from the dryer, warm and squishy. Especially if you’ve neglected to clean between each and every dry cycle, and there’s some hint of dark blue in the deep grey, which itself is heavily studded with sticky-out kitty hairs. And that dryer lint, of course, trails around after you. As you shake it off one hand, it bounces to the other; as it descends to the floor it finds you and trails behind you, still warm, still soft, covering all the newly clean clothing you tried to protect with a fine film of lint. That was my little girl.

Linty was not all grey. She was grey and white. A grey cape that went down in a V over her ears and face – except for the tip of one ear that was the sweetest transluscent pink, especially when the sun shone through it – all the way back to her tail. Which was the narrowest, silliest tail I’d ever seen on a cat. Somehow she got the wrong tail, a pointy too-skinny tail with faint rings on it. The rest of her was white: around her tiny pink nose, under her chin, her legs and her feet, and her silly hangy-down pouch of a belly that swung when she ran. That tummy, the best of all tummies, was white with pink undertones, where her skin shone through. She was so very white, as she kept herself perfectly clean. Her paw pads were the very pinkest little pearls.

And then there were her eyes: The most spectacular green eyes I’ve ever seen on a cat.

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The Lint and I were together for 15 years. I got her when I was 19 and a junior in college. Linty was a teensy tiny kitten, at most 5 or 6 weeks old, still attempting to suckle because she and her sister (who became my roommate’s cat) had been abandoned (maybe their mama kitty had died) and then been discovered by a crazy Berkeley cat lady. Linty especially had plenty of health problems, fleas and worms and gum disease (almost all her teeth behind her canines had to be removed) – just all sorts of other things, and she was the runt of the litter.

She bonded to me and only me.

You can see where this is going.

Over the next many years, Linty would go with me, wherever I went. We moved from Berkeley to San Francisco to New York to Washington, DC to Orange County to Berkeley to Orange County again. The longest we were ever apart was a few weeks. For many years we lived alone, just the two of us, a girl and her cat, talking to each other in our little voices, developing a whole understanding that people always thought was weird and insane until they came over and saw it in person and understood it immediately.

My pops once said to me: “I’ve never seen a cat look at a person the way that cat looks at you. Never.”

lintyfloor30jul09sm

I was Linty’s entire world. She rarely, if ever, took to other people. It wasn’t that she was mean to them, although she did hiss now and again. It was more that she’d refuse to come say hi in the first place. Or she’d do a bit of coy flirting and then head back for another nap, having decided there was no point in befriending whoever it was. Occasionally she’d voice serious displeasure at a person’s presence. Very, very rarely she would take to someone. And she was always right.

Hers was the little face I saw nearly every day for 15 years. She was the one constant in an ever-churning sea of growing up, becoming, learning, failing, figuring out, changing, moving, being. Few things made me as happy as coming home to a dark bedroom and quickly switching on the light in order to see a tiny little face in the middle of a big bed, sitting there, looking at me, blinking a sleepy and happy hello: Squinty Linty.

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She was the only real routine I ever stuck to, the animal who never should have lived past two months but made it to 15 years, the cat who drove me crazy at times, the one I only once considered getting rid of in a fit of stupidity at a very unhappy (and young) point in my life. The creature who was loyal and loving to me, who would yell at me with delight and anger and flop on the floor and pound on me with her little footies when I’d return from a trip, who had annoying habits that drove me nuts in the best possible manner, who DEMANDED steak and corn on the cob and eggs with cheese, who allowed me to manhandle her in ways you’d think a cat would never tolerate, who let me cram my face into her belly and kiss her toes when I most needed it, when stress and sadness got to be too much. She really was my best little friend.

We were both beginners, out in the world, and we found each other, that tiny kitten and I. So on that recent Friday afternoon, I did the only thing I could for someone who had been so loyal and true: I ended her suffering. It came quickly and I did not expect it to happen quite as suddenly as it did: one day she was climbing in my lap, the next we were at the vet, and I was making the decision. Cats are masters of hiding pain, and she had been hiding by sleeping in the closet and not eating as much. She had cancer in her intestines – we think lymphoma. She had lost a lot of weight, more than I even realized. I could have done a biopsy, tried to battle it, to save her, but at what cost? On that Friday, she was so clearly sick and in pain, with a rough coat, and when I found her breathing shallowly, panting and shaking, her whole body hot, her eyes sunken and dark, I knew. To try and save her would have been to torture her. As much as I did not want to lose her, I wanted even less to cause her any more suffering. She had given me love for 15 years. There was only one thing I could do.

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The vet agreed with me – while it was the hardest decision, it was also the best. The assistants brought me Linty wrapped in someone else’s old tea towel, all pink and white and green. She was scared and upset, just like I was, but I held her in my lap and tried to soothe her, kissed her head, scritched her cheeks and chin, kissed her toes, looked at her sad belly that had been shaved for the ultrasound, and talked to her through my tears. The vet, who was so kind, came in and asked if I was ready. She told me it would be very fast, and it was, so fast it still makes my head spin. Within seconds my little kitty’s head was on my knee and she was gone.

I held her for a moment more, kissed her little foot one more time, her little nose. The vet shut Linty’s green eyes one final time, and lifted her out of my arms. She took her away, and I broke down.

Later I decided I would not take her ashes. I had nowhere to sprinkle them; after all, where did Linty like to go besides out on the deck? She slept in her donut, on my bed, and followed me from room to room. And keeping her ashes – while I could respect that some people would want to have them, I knew the ashes weren’t her anymore. Even the body wasn’t, as much as I desperately wanted it to be, those pink toes and the little ear tip. I let it go. I still have her, in my heart, in my photos, in a video, and in a box I created with her little catnip hemp bags and mousie toys and a clump of fur from the very last time I brushed her. These things are more her. I can see her in them.

lintyorangeheadsm

And while I wish I could have buried her in the garden in Berkeley, so beautiful flowers could grow from her, I’m glad she died in Orange County. For that’s the real, true reason I liked Orange County. Linty loved the condo we lived in there. It was her favorite place ever.

I wanted to scan the photos I have from when she was a tiny kitten, but one of them is stuck to the glass of the frame, and the others are scattered in books and piles. Some time soon, I’ll add them to set, and to this post. For now, I give you these, most of which are recent. One of which is me, the day after she died. And I include a very important video (the only one I ever shot) and what I consider to be the single best photo I ever took of her. Oh noes!

ohnoes

Forgive me this long post. But she was the best kitty for me, and my heart has a big Linty-shaped hole in it these days. I miss her terribly, and after 15 years, I wanted to remember her the best way I know how. Thank you.

I love you, little girl. Now and forever. xoxox

the day after
(the day after, in the window, without Linty)

The Linty set, on flickr

Photos of Linty and me, taken by Pablo the weekend before (who flew down to be with me as soon as he could, after she was gone) xox

35 comments

August 11th, 2009

Dear Leah, I’m so very sorry for your loss. She was beautiful and she was loved. Sending you a big hug.

August 11th, 2009

this hits oh-so-close to home. i can feel your lose and am so sorry. i’m a licensed ER veterinary nurse, and have been in your shoes and with so many others in your shoes and i truly feel you made the kindest decision for, but the most difficult for you. you obviously gave her the best life, the one that she so deserved. my thoughts are with you…

August 11th, 2009

Nooooooooo!!! Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. She was a doll. Even through my tears though, that video made me smie. In the long run, those memories will win out.

August 11th, 2009

oh leahface. i’ve got goosebumps. love you. xox

August 11th, 2009

I’m glad I got to meet her.

kristin

August 11th, 2009

one of the sweetest tributes ever. so touching and makes us all feel like we knew her just a little bit through your love.
may the sadness ease.

August 11th, 2009

So sorry, Leah. Thinking of you.

August 11th, 2009

okay it’s sort of hard to type through tears but I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. putting an animal down is so, so SO hard. I’ve done it a number of times and it’s horrible. :(

August 11th, 2009

oh sweet girl.
you and her had the most amazing and beautiful bond there ever was. I’m so happy I got to meet and make friends with your special little lady, and I’m truly honored to have witnessed such a beautiful friendship.

huge hugs, and all my love.
xoxoxox

August 11th, 2009

so sorry to hear about your loss leah.
oxoxoxox

August 11th, 2009

oh leah…as hard as it was you did the right thing. i think you know that but – from personal experience- you may still need to hear it. she was beautiful as was this tribute to her. what lucky girls, you two, to have found each other and shared so much. my love and thoughts are with you. xoxox

August 11th, 2009

Oh dear, how sad, well done for being so strong and doing the best thing for your lovely companion. Its heartbreaking but its always better to have loved and lost than never loved at all….

August 11th, 2009

oh, leah, i have huge tears rolling down my cheeks right now. i wish i could have written like this last year. this is the most beautiful, loving tribute i have ever seen. big, big hugs to you. xoxoxo

August 11th, 2009

oh leah.
what beautiful memories you have of her and what a wonderful friend she was to you.
big hugs your way.
xoxoxo

August 11th, 2009

They are the best, the creatures who love us in the purest most uncomplicated way despite our shortcomings and imperfections. They add so much to our lives. When they go it leaves a great big old hole. Linty sounds like she was a stellar cat. I’m so sorry she’s gone.

xoxo

Love to you, friend.

August 11th, 2009

I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you are feeling. I’m very glad you have lots of great photos of her and that awesome video… the memories mean a lot to you, I’m sure.

Brian

August 11th, 2009

any cat who demands corn on the cob, steak, and eggs with cheese is a mighty fine cat in my book. so sorry for your loss, but this is a wonderful tribute.

August 11th, 2009

Dearest,
I have tears running down my cheeks! She will be with you in spirit always.
This is such a lovely tribute to her! I love the video!
Hugs to you. Where she is now, she doesn’t hurt. You took care of her to the end. Keep the memories in your heart always…I know you will.
xoxo

Sharon

August 11th, 2009

Over the past 18 months I also had to make that hard decision twice about my two cat companions of more than 15 years-Freddie & Muffins. I miss those two girls every day. They were originally my daughter’s cats, but she grew up & left home & the cats stayed w/my husband & me. It’s a hard decision to have to make, but both you and I made the right decisions even though it bruises our hearts for a long time. Sometimes when I turn just so, I think I see Muffins jumping on the bed where she slept @ night. I know I’m too rational to believe in ghosts, but somtimes there’s that movement in the air…

Anne

August 12th, 2009

oh my dear friend, I feel like I knew sweet Linty after reading your beautiful tribute. sending you all my love, abee

August 12th, 2009

This is such a lovely tribute. My heart goes out to you as you cope with your loss. Your love for her is beautiful, and your life will forever be better for having had her in it. I’m so sorry she’s gone.

August 13th, 2009

Dear Leah, you don’t know me at all but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I have my own sweet cat who was sick for a long time as a kitten and who loves me and me only, and everything you wrote here rings true for me and makes me gladder for her, so thank you for this. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish of me, because that’s not how I intended it. You and Linty are in my thoughts.

August 14th, 2009

[...] one of my first internet friends (from USENET and and UNIX rave chatrooms in 1992), Leah also had to put her cat named Lint [...]

August 17th, 2009

It’s heartbreaking to read this. I had to put a kitty down once and barely knew her. I can’t imagine the pain after 15 years of friendship.

August 17th, 2009

This was so touching and I’m very sorry for your loss. A friend of mine lost their family cat of fifteen years recently recently – it’s just something that’s so incredibly hard to put into words.

August 26th, 2009

Thank you all so, so much for all the love and kindness you have left here for me. I wish I could give each of you a hug – you can’t know how much it helped to read all of this.

It’s hard to believe she’s been gone nearly a month now – next Monday will mark that day. I still think – hope – I’ll see her when I turn around, and it’s difficult when I find photos of her I long ago tucked into books as bookmarks or for who knows what reason. But it is a little easier, day by day. I will never stop missing her, but I know she’s with me. My sweet girl.

Again, thank you.

Antoinette

September 13th, 2009

I’m very sorry for your loss. Cherish those memories. What you did for her was very brave, and I’m sure she loves you all the more for it. God bless you always and keep you both together in spirit. You are bonded for life, by love.

October 8th, 2009

Hi Leah
I was looking at your amazing sets of images on your Flickr profile and came across your link to your blog – and then this amazing tribute to your dear and best friend, Linty. What a wonderful story. I am so sorry for your loss but like you say – she now lives in the light, all around you, everywhere and all of the time.
This tribute brought a flood of tears to my eyes…
Wish you well

Suzy

October 13th, 2009

Linty will be waiting for you when you eventually get to heaven. xx

October 17th, 2009

At this point it’s been almost three months since it happened but I just read this and I am so sorry. It’s been a bit of an agitated morning with HoneyCat but this is a good reminder. Similar “girl with her cat” set-up and conversant as such. Incidentally, seeing her go after that corn was the highlight of my day, that’s a first.

Farnham

November 1st, 2009

In heaven, cats and dogs get along together. Here’s my story about our Martha Jane – http://ourbluedog.com/index.html

November 5th, 2009

My cat looks at me the same way. This totally hit home to me. I am so sorry for your loss. She was clearly such a special cat. And what you two had together was magical. It must have been so hard to let her go. I can’t imagine letting my Grace go… and we have only been together 3.5 years. I hope I have at least 10 more years with her cause I think she completes me.

Thank you so much for sharing. I wish you well!

marie

December 2nd, 2009

I’m so so sorry. God, I wish they could stay with us forever, they are such perfect creatures. Poly sends a virtual hand-holding.

December 11th, 2009

Your words lulled me in, but the corn won me over. Having had a kitty who liked popsicles (even banana), I understand how quirks and preferences turn a cat into a family member.

Your emotional tribute brought streaming tears to my face. Thank you for reminding me to go love on my two fatty fluffies, Miles and Emme.

Paul

December 12th, 2009

Thanks for sharing this… you put into words what what many of us who had that feeling can’t. My cat was was with me for 14 years, 2 marriages, cross-country moves and many other things that seem less significant than the bond we shared. She has been gone for 7 years and I still miss her.

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